DARYNDA_JONES   That’s right, readers! Our guest blogger today is…(deep inhale, preparing to gush) the talented, funny, prolific, creative, generous, GH and RITA Award winning, best-selling author DARYNDA JONES. You know, of the super successful Charley Davidson series– the Grim Reaper who moonlights as a coffee-addicted PI and has ATTITUDE up to here? (Look up, way up!)

If you’ve read any of her books in the series you know Darynda begins each chapter with a hilariously snarky phrase–the kind you see on a bumper sticker or T-Shirt. The kind that makes you laugh out loud (for real, not LOL.) I’m delighted to welcome her today and extend her fun contest to you and all your friends- spread the word!

Write your favorite snarky saying in our comments section below. Darynda will pick her favorite one on Thursday and the winner gets a Darynda Jones novel of choice. (P.S.: She also writes a wicked-funny YA series, see details below.) Without taking up another inch of precious blog space- here’s Darynda Jones:

Avail 7/9/13

Avail 7/9/13

   Thank you to everyone at Kiss and Thrill for having me today! As a connoisseur of snarky T-shirt sayings, I thought it would be fun to list my favorites, because nothing brings a smile to the face like snark.

    I fell so in love with Julia’s Bridgerton series, and I thought it so clever that she opened each chapter with a little quip from Lady Whistledown. Then I picked up the Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi’s Spiderwick series and they did something very similar. Instead of a title for each chapter as many children’s books have, they opened with a little preview of what was about to happen, something like, ‘Chapter One: In Which More than a Cat Goes Missing.’

   I’m sure there are other authors who do this, but I fell in love with that type of subtle foreshadowing and wanted to do something similar. Only I was writing about a snarky grim reaper with trouble for a middle name. How could I incorporate that kind of fun with something that reflected Charley’s personality? Snarky T-shirts of course. And the chapter headings were born.

First-Grave-on-the-Right-tn  So here is a list of some favorites from the Charley series. In case you are wondering, most of them really and truly are T-shirt and bumper sticker-type quotes. I make up a few here and there, but not many. Can you guess which two out of this list I made up?

  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  • Is it sexy in here or is it just me?
  • Upon the advice of my attorney, my shirt bears no message at this time
  • Some girls wear Prada. Some girls wear Glock 17 short recoil spring-loaded semi-automatic pistols with a loaded chamber indicator and a non-slip grip.
  • Where am I going and what am I doing in this hand basket?
  • You know those bad things that happen to good people?  I’m that. 
  • Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don’t. So either way…
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you.
  • Some days you’re the cat. Some days you’re the brand new, suede leather Barcalounger.
  • Only two things in life are certain. Guess which one I am.
  • Welcome back. I see the assassins have failed.
  • Hi. I’m Trouble. I heard you were looking for me.
  • Two drinks away from girl-on-girl action.
  • When life hands you lemons say, “Lemons? What else have you got?”
  • It puts the lotion in the basket.
  • I love children, but I don’t think I can eat a whole one.
  • Jenius
  • ADD.  A lifetime of distractions.
  • Sarcasm.  Only one of the services offered.
  • When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.
  • I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

   And, yes, that is a very small sampling. The collection goes on for pages and pages. So, have you seen any great sayings lately you’d love to have on a T-shirt? One caveat: Anything you say can and will be used against you. And quite possibly in my next book.

Thanks again!  ~D~


www.DaryndaJones.com www.cafepress.com/daryndajones www.facebook.com/darynda.jones.official

Check out Darynda’s YA series: Death and the Girl Next Door and Death, Doom and Detention

Okay Readers, I’ll list a few of mine and then you’re up! 🙂

    • I know the Voices in my Head Aren’t Real, But They Sure Have Some Good Ideas
    • Yet, Despite the Look on My Face You’re Still Talking
    • I’m Not Shy, I’m Holding Back My Awesomeness So I Don’t Intimidate You
    • I’m jealous of Me Too
    • You say I’m a B**ch Like it’s A Bad Thing
    • I’m Not Mean, You’re Just a Sissy

About Sarah Andre

Romantic Suspense That Keeps You Up All Night! I live in sunny FL, love daydreaming, reading and chocolate. I write in the wee hours of the morning before my helpless hubby and 2 male Pomeranian pups awaken with their demands. :) My debut LOCKED, LOADED and LYING is available now.

Posted on March 26, 2013, in Author Spotlight, Guest blog, Sarah Andre, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 201 Comments.

  1. Good morning, Darynda! Thanks for being here today.
    Are you writing 6th Grave? If so, when will it come out?

    Here’s one more of my T-shirts (I wear all of these to my gym, no joke.)

    FREE HUGS (after I b**ch-slap you)

  2. Hi Darynda,

    I love snarky t-shirts. Here are my three favorites.

    That’s it! I’m killing you slowly in my next novel.


    You know the Wicked Witch of the West? Yeah, she was a sissy compared to me.


    Karma’s a b*tch who carries a big stick.

  3. Great blog Sarah and Darynda (waving madly at the both of you!)

    Snarky t-shirt contest? I just couldn’t resist.

    Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

    My imaginary friend thinks you have a problem.

    Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver.

    Give me some time. I’ll think of more. 🙂

    • HA! I had forgotten the ‘love-at-first sight. one. That’s SO you, Jenn! Thanks for sharing these.

    • JENN!!!!! How wonderful to see you, love. These are freaking fantastic! Yes, I am saving all of them for future reference. teeheehee

      Thanks so much!

  4. What a fun blog, Sarah! And thanks for joining us Darynda. I am a huge fan of snark and must give your books a try! Here is one of my favorite snarky phrases, from Stephen King (quoting from memory so may not be exact): “I have the heart of a child; I keep it in a jar on my desk.”

    I love that!

    • Yikes! How Stephen King-ish, Lena.
      Yes, or sure check out any of her Charley books. “First Grave on the Right” won 2009 GH and 2011 RITA. You’ve never read a hotter alpha hero EVER. Promise.

      BTW, good luck to all GH and RITA entrants….fingers crossed! 🙂

    • AWESOME!!!! I love it, Lena! So good to see you!

  5. Ive always loved this one—- Be nice to your sister! One day you may need an alibi!

  6. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and spiders” is a good one!

  7. I love the t-shirt sayings in the series! They’re so much fun!!! I actually have this one: Welcome to the Dark Side…we have cookies!

  8. Your T-shirt sayings always made me laugh. And it’s no surprise my favorite is the dragon ketchup.

    I needed my heroine to be forced to wear a secondhand T-shirt, so I asked my (quite clever) sister to help me out. Her suggestion? “I’m worth my weight in dragon gold” As someone who lives with the reality of those few extra pounds every day, this was right up my alley.

  9. LOVE the blog! Awesome comments! Here’s another:

    “If you pretend to be interesting, I’ll pretend to care.”

  10. I really love the snarky T-shirt sayings at the beginning of each chapter in the Charley Davidson books!

    Here’s one I saw the other day that I thought was funny and maybe I will be the lucky one to make it into Sixth Grave…. (a girl can dream….)

    “If I wanted your opinion, I would’ve removed the duct tape!”

    Thanks for a great blog post – love hearing anything about the amazing Darynda Jones!

  11. My favorite one is…

    “Let me express how much I don’t care on a scale of one to bite me” from Third Grave

    I cried when I read that one.

  12. Hello everyone! I’m a huge fan of the series and the author. The sayings at the beginning of each chapter are such fun. My fave is “Hi. I’m Trouble. I heard you were looking for me.”
    Can you imagine having a closet filled with tees and these sayings? Kiss and Thrill is such a great site, thank you for hosting this great contest.

  13. I am more the weird humor. My favorite is:
    Shut up, brain! I will stab you with a q-tip!

  14. Hey, Darynda! Great to have you on K&T today. Love the snarky quotes. My son has a shirt that shows a heartbeat with a flatline and it says, “For a minute there you bored me to death.”

    Can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with! And good luck to the Golden Heart and RITA finalists today. 🙂

  15. Welcome to K&T Darynda! Love these snarky sayings. The last bumper sticker that made me laugh out loud (this happened about three days ago) was a political one, so I won’t share it here, but I’ll come back if I think of something else. 🙂

    Good luck to our RITA and GH entrants!

    • Bumper stickers are seriously dangerous. I’m so invested in getting close, reading them and then howling I’m a danger to others.
      (Is anyone surprised?)

    • LOL! That’s great, Rachel. Sometimes the funniest ones are the least appropriate. We can laugh in private. Haha.

  16. I sent this to Darynda a few months ago but I’ll post here too because I LOVE it 🙂

    “Be the type of woman that when your feet hit the ground in the morning the devil says “damn, she’s up””

  17. Holy cow, I have been laughing all through this! 🙂 LOVE Darynda’s books!!

    ‘Best Friends: there to help you hide the body.’

    I have a friend named Jim, so we use the ‘Damn-it Jim!’ Phrase a TON! In fact it is so much fun that we have substituted ‘JIM’ ans a curse word… Jim off, Jim it, I don’t give a flying Jim…. you get the idea! He is a real peach he supports our new found curse word! Charley would love him!

  18. I already sent this to Daryanda, but it is worth repeating:
    I have ESP and PMS–I am a b**ch that knows it all!

  19. One my favorites is a T-shirt from The Lost Dog Cafe:


  20. Love, love, love your books! Here is a quote that I think sums up a Charlie chapter:

    “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, this wasn’t it.”

    Thanks so much for the contest and the great books!

  21. Dear brain,
    Take note from mouth and STFU
    – thanks management

  22. My Mom bought me a shirt a few years back, I’m the only female in my family who got short changed in the boobs department. The shirt says “Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear”, I even have a pic of me on my Facebook wearing it lol

  23. If you are looking for sympathy you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis!

  24. ::: waving at Darynda:::: So hysterical, Darynda, I am doubled over with laughter. Great post, Sarah! You two rock and I cannot wait to read the next installment in Darynda’s series.

    • This idea started when I went to her book signing in Houston and thought: “Hey! I’ll type up a list of my snarky T-shirts for Darynda.”

      Of course I was such a geeky, overly excited fan-girl I forgot the list on my kitchen counter. Thanks to Gwen I got a formal introduction to Darynda and screwed up the nerve to ask her to do this today.

  25. CAN’T Wait for The sixth installment of The Charley Davidson Series..my favorite snarky T-shirt that i own, is:
    This Is What Crazy Looks Like..
    *grins* fits me to a T! 🙂

  26. angela trenholm

    Okay so I thought of charley when I seen this! Hah hope you like

    “you are such a nag”

    My nagging is a sign that I care. My silence is a sign that I’m plotting your death.

  27. Tow of my favorites:
    “If I hurt your feelings in any way I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I don’t care.”
    “Of course I talk to myself, Because sometimes I need expert advice.”

  28. I’m guessing the two you made up are, Sometimes, you’re the cat…. and Some girls wear Prada…..

    LOVE both of your series, but Charley’s snark is epic!

    T shirt quotes – Cancel my subscription, I’m tired of your Issues! and
    You can’t process me with a normal brain.

  29. I do laugh out loud at Charley’s headings! My friends give me funny looks. 😀 This one is actually from Caris Roane’s “Burning Skies,” I believe:

    “The chances of that happening were slim to good-luck-with-that.”

  30. I can’t wait for the 6th book, Darynda. I have my husband hooked on them now. Let’s see…I have a few snarks for ya:

    No, I can’t go to the gym. I’m in the fitness protection program.

    What do you call a woman with no a**hole? Divorced

    If I wanted your opinion, I’d remove the duct tape – that one’s a favorite saying to the teenager 🙂

    I’m not a urologist, but I’d be happy to take a look.

  31. Penny for your thoughts, so I can make fun of them

    As a matter of fact, I did sleep in these clothes

    I may be cute, but I have mad ninja skills

    Here I am, now what are your other two wishes

    Sarcasm, just one of the many services I offer

    National Sarcasm Society – Like we need your support

    Love the interview Darydna!



    • Charley would totally use the coffee one.
      Thanks, Michelle! 🙂

    • Bwahahaha! LOVE!!!! Thanks, Michelle! I want to use the coffee one in dialogue. I might be contacting you. 🙂


  33. 6-8?!?!?!!!! Woohoooo!!!

  34. “I didn’t slap you! I just high-fived your face…” is one of my favorites 🙂 Or “Some days it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps” (that one is referencing a strait jacket… kinda fitting… lol)

  35. Brain Freeze! Can you fill in the blank?

  36. OH and I just came across this one (excuse the profanity… but I think you can create something similar if you chose to!!)

    KarmaSutra: When fate f***s you in all sorts of creative ways…

    TOTALLY sounds like something Charley would say!!!

  37. Chrissy Luther

    I have one that says “I’m Right just accept it.” and another that says “Danger attitude subject to change without notice.” I mainly wear them to annoy my husband. 😉

  38. Oh, so happy to know we get more of Grim and Satan 😀 he he, ok i want this on my t-shirt
    1 “A few days into my so called vacation, and i need a vacation from the vacation” 🙂
    2 “I’m not a princess, I don’t need saving… I’m a freaking Queen, I got this sh*t handled” 🙂
    3 “I would only peek a little. I am a lady not a saint” 🙂
    And this one is just hilarious 4 “Do you believe love at first sight or should i walk by again?” 😀
    And there is much more… 🙂

  39. Chrissy Luther

    My husband has one with the picture of a stop light, yellow is lit up and it says “Challenge Accepted”

  40. httpI stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.

  41. I just discovered your Charley Davidson series and I LOVE it!! I couldn’t put them down and I am so excited to hear that you just sold 6-8!! I can’t wait read them all! Congratulations and thank you!!!


    I am not a minion of Evil
    I am Upper Managment

    And if I do get smart with you
    How would you know?

    Lead us not into temptation
    Just tell us where it is

    Good friends don’t let us do stupid things …. alone.

  42. It says above I’m supposed to thrill you with my wit. Sorry, I’m lacking wits today.

    As a dog trainer, my favorite is appropriate: Some days you’re the dog. Some day’s you’re the hydrant.

  43. My other rack holds guns.

  44. So many great ones, D. It’s going to be a tough call for you.

    Had to add a few more. You KNOW snark is right up my alley.

    You’re pants, they bother me. Take them off. (sorry…couldn’t resist)

    Never let someone drive you crazy. It’s nearby anyway and the walk is good for you.

    I’m proficient in 3 languages: English, Sarcasm, & Profanity.

    I don’t know karate. But I do know crazy, and I’m not afraid to use it.


  45. I love snarky sayings so much, but mostly because I can never think of them myself! I wish I could add to the list but I’m using the “I have the flu” excuse to pass. But I love reading them!

  46. Love your books, Darynda! Here are a few of my favorite comments:

    Your lack of swearing makes me uncomfortable.

    Life is short. Buy the shoes.

    Restraint, not just for sex anymore.

  47. Darynda thanks so much for joining us today! I can see I’ve been missing a lot of fun! Great work, ladies! I’d have to say I spit water at my computer over the “If it has tires or testicles” line.
    Woo hoo for snark and hilarious grim reapers and all this FUN!

  48. “Pray…because duct tape doesn’t always work”

  49. Just found this one, thought about Charley. 🙂 “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”

  50. Hi Darynda, love the series, can’t wait for 6th grave. They say write what you know – you know a “Reyes”, cause I wanna hang out where you hang out. *sigh*.
    Here’s a couple of quotes for you:

    You have such a wit, too bad you only use half.

    I can only be nice to one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

    How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

    Thanks again.

  51. Or this one “When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” so Charley 🙂

  52. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” :)))

  53. “There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.”

  54. Wait. And you think I’M not normal?!
    I know, I crack myself up too
    Your choice, but personally, I’d go for the light
    Bad Ass? I’ve got biker boots don’t I?

    I could think of more, I’m sure, given enough time..thanks, Darynda! Keep being awesome ; )

  55. I love the baby onesie I got for a friend. She has a wicked sense of humor and so will her daughter.

    “Watch your f#*king language there’s a baby in the room”

  56. I’m not offended, I’ve been called worse, by better.

  57. You haven’t dealt with shit until you step in poop! (true story)

  58. Whoever said You have nothing to fear but fear itself didn’t have a scorpion on their face!

  59. Thanks you to EVERYONE who shared snarky sayings! I think this should keep Darynda going thru Book…10? 🙂

    And thank YOU, Darynda, for spending an entire day laughing and commenting with us. You (and Charley and Reyes) rock!

    • THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME!!! I had company and got a little sidetracked yesterday afternoon, but this has been so great!

      But honestly, I have to pick a winner? Really? Me????

      I think Sarah should do it. 🙂 hehehe

  60. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

  61. Don’t know how I forgot this yesterday.,..

    I will not KEEP CALM and you can F**K OFF

  62. Marsha McNeese

    I am neither for not against apathy.

  63. Oh my… I love snark and haven’t read this series yet? Someone revoke my snark privileges and give me a time out. Definitely going to check out your books Darynda!
    A few examples I like to use on occasion:
    I’ll try being kinder if you’ll try being smarter.
    The village called looking for you. They miss their idiot.
    Tell the wizard I said “Hi”. What your not on a quest for a brain?

  64. Hello Darynda! I. CANNOT. WAIT for the next title from the Charley series. Here are a couple t-shirts for your consideration:
    If I had balls, they would be bigger than yours.

    Relax, I’m hilarious.

    Hey you. Yeah, you. No, not you…That other guy. You right there! Yes, you. Do you like tacos?

    It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SUPERMAN!!! No, wait…it’s only a bird. My Bad. I got confused because it was a bird wearing a cape.

    I’M FROM THE FUTURE. Pretzels. That’s all I’m saying.

    AND finally…. *drum roll*

    I shaved my balls for this?

    ROFL! Great contest. That was fun!

  65. Oops! One more, one more!
    Depresso: The feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.

  66. I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja
    Jenius are my favorites of those for sure I really like the one about dragons too, the first one I think….
    Really great review!

  67. Ok, you may have already gotten this one but my new favorite is “How can I trust you when I every time I untie you, you try to run away” I can’t wait for more Reyes, BTW. 🙂

  68. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

  69. Ok here are mine.

    “Life’s a bitch, but don’t we just love to bang that bitch.”


    “When life gives you lemons, get tequila and salt.” ()

  70. This one I pray when there is man-candy near by:

    “Lead us not in to temptation…but may your will be done.”

  71. dulcejuliarossi

    Do you speak moldovian? ICE TEA FOOT

    I love you ,Darynda! Love your novels and wour writing and you,for being such an amazing writer!

  72. Life is hard…then you die.

    • Here’s one that I actually had on my car…during divorce. “If you love someone, set them free…if they don’t come back, hunt them down and kill them.”

      But that was 30 yrs ago. Been happily married for the last 18 yrs. and happy to say 1st husband and I are now great friends. “The strangeness of this life cannot be measured…”

  73. This makes me giggle and I bet charley Davidson would love to wear a shirt that said

    Key to happiness: Smile like you have a severed head in the freezer.

  74. Heather TEMPLETON

    I’d rather piss’m off
    than be pissed on

  75. Heather TEMPLETON

    I’m not perfect…but parts of me are

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